What was the world like without e-mail forwards? I think e-mails forwards can be termed as one of the first forms of ‘social media’. With just a click of button you could share info with dozens of random people who happen to be on your address book friends. I remember when I had a brand new Yahoo address and all these forwards would come through (of course I forwarded them!).
Scores of e-mails would come. Some were hilarious, some were sad, some made us have a look at our lifestyles…… How else would we have known that it is useless to eat fruits just after your main meal! (see, they will just rot in the stomach as they wait for hours for the other food to be digested first). You be the judge. With time I abandoned my Yahoo address because I simply couldn’t keep up.
Now, with the coming of the Facebooks and the Twitters e-mail forwards took a back stage for many people. This is mainly because the same information people were sharing found its way to notes and photos shared on Facebook and links shared on Twitter. However, e-mail forwards are still alive and kicking….as evidenced by this e-mail forward I received from a friend today. Bear with me if you have seen it again. Here goes..
Thank You For Your Educational E-mails
As we near the end of 2010, I want to thank you for your educational
e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little
chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice
with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al
Qaeda agents in disguise.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black
spider could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al
Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American
I can’t even smile at my co-workers any more because I’m afraid to be
accused of sexual harassment.
Neither can I say America belongs to all of us – except the Native Indians,
I will be called a racist.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s
second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician
. . .
Oh, by the way…..
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.