Thank You For Your E-mails!

What was the world like without e-mail forwards? I think e-mails forwards can be termed as one of the first forms of ‘social media’. With just a click of  button you could share info with dozens of  random people who happen to be on your address book friends. I remember when I had a brand new Yahoo address and all these forwards would come through (of course I forwarded them!).

Scores of e-mails would come. Some were hilarious, some were sad, some made us have a look at our lifestyles…… How else would we have known that it is useless to eat fruits just after your main meal! (see, they will just rot in the stomach as they wait for hours for the other food to be digested first). You be the judge. With time I abandoned my Yahoo address because I simply couldn’t keep up.

Now, with the coming of the Facebooks and the Twitters e-mail forwards took a back stage for many people. This is mainly because the same information people were sharing found its way to notes and photos shared on Facebook and links shared on Twitter. However, e-mail forwards are still alive and kicking….as evidenced by this e-mail forward I received from a friend today. Bear with me if you have seen it again. Here goes..

Thank You For Your Educational E-mails 🙂

As we near the end of 2010, I want to  thank you for your educational
e-mails over the past year. I am  totally screwed up now and have little
chance of recovery.

I  no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or  have the
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying  about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote  in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last
person was doing  while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down  on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened  on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with  someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while  driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends  me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of  trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any  woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public  bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the  one about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use  a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now  I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same  reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick  girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die for the  1,387,258th  time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I  receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me  for participating in their
special e-mail program.

I no longer  worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me,  and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have  a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice
with  my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are  actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or   feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I  smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have  learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to  seven of my friends and make a wish within  five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca  Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas  without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer  doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer  drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products
are  atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer  use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different  types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a  cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my  face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies  because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I  sit  down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone  will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer  receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al
Qaeda  agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because  someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone  bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan  .

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have  their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine  because a big black
spider could be lurking under the seat and cause  me instant death when it
bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR  GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in
the parking  lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting to  grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying  gas from some companies supports Al
Qaeda, and buying gas from all  the others supports South American

I can’t even  smile at my co-workers any more because I’m afraid to be
accused of  sexual harassment.

Neither can I say America belongs to all of us  – except the Native Indians,
I will be called a racist.

I  can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by  the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send  this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a  large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow  afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because  it
actually happened to a friend of my next door  neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s
second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s  beautician
. .  .

Oh, by the way…..

A German  scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that  people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their
hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too  late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because  I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the  toilet.

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