How Do I Get Over Him?

Following last week’s post on why platonic relationships don’t work, which evoked quite an interesting discussion, I got this e-mail from Cynthia :

I started interacting with this guy, let’s call him Ken, for about 2 months and I felt such a connection. (not platonic) both of us knew we would build it to something meaningful.

Anyway somewhere in February he was bogged down by family and financial problems. He stopped talking to me completely. Any effort to try and talk was met with resistance. It’s as though he put a fence around his wall.

After endless and sleepless nights, I resolved to give him time to work out his issues.

The problem is he’s always on my mind. It’s as though I keep on thinking about him. Just yesterday I counted and I had improved to 28 times a day. Every time my mind slips that way i work hard to replace the thought with something else.

I really really want to live my life. How can I go about this effectively?

A month should have been enough time to grieve over a friend.

Give me your scathing truth.

P/s: I’ve read everything on getting over someone and followed step by step.


Tell me, is this a classic case of  ‘the one that got away’ or two people in a relationship ‘going through a rough patch’ ? Have you ever been in a similar situation?  No?  Then maybe you’ve got a word of advice for Cynthia here?

In her e-mail, she adds “I’ve always believed talking to strangers gives you insight in matters that you would never have thought.”

15 comments for “How Do I Get Over Him?

  1. Wembe Wa Mugumo Tree
    March 31, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Dear “Cynthia”,
    One of the commonly advised tips to prevent hiccups is to have someone scare you.This can include you scaring yourself by for example taking a roller coaster ride or applying ice to your neck or even a cold shower
    i used the above paragraph which has absolutely nothing to do with your case to illustrate the point that there are diversions and then there are distractions and neither of the two will help you if you don’t want your mind to be changed.
    Maybe you don’t want your mind to be changed because there could be something more to come between you and “Ken”. Or maybe you don’t want your mind to be changed because you are lonely and are looking for a boyfriend
    I don’t know you so i can’t judge. All i can say is when you are ready to change your mind it will happen overnight seemingly like magic. until then you can divert or distract your attention in the positive ways you are already trying,not to mention the ones i suggested. Happy roller coastering.

    • March 31, 2011 at 2:34 pm

      Hey Cynthia…
      The tree cutter here is right… I don’t think you completely get over these ones. At least, not in my experience. But moving on means finding another distraction. And hopefully, this distraction will completely turn your attention to the point where you will go three days without thinking of him. In time, it gets better.
      Happy distractions. 🙂

  2. G
    March 31, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Cynthia, stop insisting on this Ken guy. For some reason, this Ken doesn’t want or can’t be with u. Many more fish in the sea.
    There can b only one ending when a chic insists on a dude. Disaster. Find a guy that wants to b with u.

  3. March 31, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Its sad. The mind can be so cruel sometimes. What Cynthia needs is closure. Until she closes that chapter of her life her mind is going to torture her until she gives in to it. Let her find him and tell him EXACTLY how she feels. It’ll be cathartic. Then she can move on. One more thing, let Cynthia know that what she’s going through has not much to do with Love for Ken. Its her mind playing tricks on her. I truly hope she finds peace. Thank you.

  4. March 31, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    He is not that into you! If he was, he would want to be with you as he goes through whatever it is.
    Find other interests and move on. Don’t give him too much airtime.

  5. April 1, 2011 at 9:21 am

    Unlike women, dudes are very simple…if he wants to be with you, he will be, no matter what. Take the hint and move on to other things.

    • Nay_omee
      April 1, 2011 at 11:49 am

      Agreed!You can not, not ever, make a guy be with you if he doesn’t want to, regardless of how much time you waste thinking about him.Grieve, pick yourself up and move on ahead:)

  6. cynthia
    April 1, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Hey guys, I really appreciate the insight.
    I guess the instinct or the sub conscience had already told me all this but it makes a big difference when you hear it from someone.
    I guess I have to follow through the stages of grief. You guys have been so resourceful. Thanks a lot to Kbaab, Danzo, Edwin Abuga, G, Akenyangirl, wembe wa mugumo tree and of course the one and only Mrs. Mwiti 😀

  7. April 1, 2011 at 11:54 am

    Ok, I will give a slightly different take. There are some characters (men) who suffer from a morbid fear of failure, by which I mean if they feel they have failed in certain circumstances they close up and withdraw. They don’t want to be seen as having failed as they think that can be a source of ridicule or sneer and opt to keep away. They are afraid to expose their weaknesses and that is why you find at times some men cant even bring themselves up to tell their spouses that they have lost their jobs, things are no longer as they used to be but instead struggle to keep the facade that all is good and life should go on as usual. Of course eventual things catch up (e.g. unmanageable debts). This is partly what happened to Okonkwo in the classic Things Fall Apart, and in the end suicide was preferable.
    Maybe Ken is such a person. He does not want to be with you because he is broke/in debt. He could be the type who will come back when things are okay and problems are solved. You did not say what the financial and family problems were so I can only guess. In the end, this is not an especially good characteristic in the modern world as we know relationships will always face challenges, neither is it an insurmountable trait. But I believe once you choose to move on, move on. Just make sure you make the correct decision.

  8. Cynthia
    April 1, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Otieno Hongo. You’re very right in your judgement….on point in fact. The last conversation we had, he was scared that I would see him as weak. Let’s just say he is in great debt. Let me leave out the family thing for now but it was weighing him down. I have decided to move though. Strength can only be measured during a struggle.

    • April 2, 2011 at 11:32 pm

      Cynthia, You sound pretty decided. I was gonna suggest you talk to him adult to adult and let him know that you thought there was something, developing between the two of you….., but then again, 2 months might not be enough time to know someone to the point of falling in love with them.What you are feeling for Ken therefore might not be love.
      Good luck!

    • April 2, 2012 at 6:00 pm

      Hey Cynthia go to My thoughts on guys that blow hot then cold as they please. I hope by now you have moved on but I also would like to encourage you not to entertain such men ever.

  9. Cynthia
    October 8, 2012 at 10:37 am

    I can’t believe I was here about a year…or more ago. It’s amazing what time does to you. I finally figured my side of the bargain. I realized I had unhealthy patterns in relationships and I had contributed greatly to his behaviour.

    Anyway while I was healing I got my ice cold moment. I was whining to some guy about it and he yelled….in a very loud voice “Leave the bastard alone…he’s the one missing out on the fun…”

    That madness sobered me.

    The next time Ken called I politely asked him never to call me again.

    • Wamuyu
      October 11, 2012 at 10:32 am

      Cynthia, good for you!!!
      I hope you find happiness with the right man. One who knows what he wants and will give you his all.
      All the best.

  10. Eileen
    April 16, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    cant believe am now where Cynthia was, pray i get my awakening from this misery…one day at a time though.

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